I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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