Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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