my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
