Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
