so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
