Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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