i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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