I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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