I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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