This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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