I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
