Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
