Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
birth control should be required to get into college
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
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