It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
