So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
