sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
