We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
