Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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