i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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