im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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