remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
