im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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