people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
