apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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