Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
