It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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