no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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