Rock
Scissors
Fuck
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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