My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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