Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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