Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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