i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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