he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
