new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
