I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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