Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
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