you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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