After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
