I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
