I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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