Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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