i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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