plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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