when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
