who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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