I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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