i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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