I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
