oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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