He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
