thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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