I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
