i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
