her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
