I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
