fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I need to calm my uterus...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
