my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
