haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
