Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize