i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
